it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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