I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize