Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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