i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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