That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
