So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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