Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
