He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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