look no pants
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
