I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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