I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Are my feet made of real feet?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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