There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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