he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
