On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
