i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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