he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You can't just leave with hair like that
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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