y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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