There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
