I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She's the barista slut.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
