when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
