There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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