I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
