Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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