May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
