It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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