Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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