at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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