Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
