we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
