her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
