I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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