Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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