Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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