You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
