Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
