scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
