if you like me you must not know who I am
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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