If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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