You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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