I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
