I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
