I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
