The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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