i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
