Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
