someone threw a dead crab at me
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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