No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
