Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
