She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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