i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
