benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
