after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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